Wednesday, 6 August 2014
Am i being myself is not good enough for anyone? Is it such a bad thing to be quiet? Is it rude to be shy? If all of those things were true, then why the hell am i living in this god damn world? To be a worthless bitch? I'm not mad at him. Wasn't his fault. He was just being honest and he meant good. Every single word he said was true. Deep down, i know it was. But hearing them out loud, makes me mad at myself. Disappointed to be exact. I feel like no matter what i do, and how hard i tried, i will just not be good enough. Even being here, is a hard thing for me, and i am trying so damn hard to fit in. And to know that it's still not enough, it broke me a little bit. It's sad how one conversation could change everything. And the worst part is; feelings change too. To be honest, right now, i just want to go away and die.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Hi, i am Lily. I'm broken, I'm quiet, I'm insecure. I was so used to being hurt for so long, i felt like my heart doesn't work anymore. Until that day. That day when a stranger talked to me. A single 'Hi', and it changed my life. He changed my life. I closed my heart to the world for so long, and he found the key. I held my past in my hands for so long, but he held my hands tight enough to feel like i wasn't going to fall apart and he'll catch me. And i let my past go. He is different. He connects with me in every way, and on every level. He gives me more than just butterflies. This might sound crazy, but i think i found my soulmate.
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
people say, the first time is always the hardest. So i thought, today is gonna be hell. but to be honest, it wasn't. today i discovered stuff that i wasn't able to see for a long time. its like i was born with a new set of eyes, and i looked at the world in a different way. everything is much better now. its like a burden is lifted from my shoulders. but deep down, there's still doubt. is he really that mean? but when i think about it, he was. the more i think of it, the more I'll get confused. i loved him with all my heart and soul. and i feel like that part of me died yesterday. who am i today? am i the same person i was before? is life going to be the same? or it going to be better? or is it going to be worse? i have no idea what the future holds. and I'm scared as hell to find out. i really am.
It's like i've been smacked in the face. All these years, what have i been waiting for? What have i been fighting for? I have to let go. To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and learning. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept the change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is to grow up. It's a battle i know i don't have any chance in winning. But i still fought anyway. To my last possible effort. And a huge part of me, just died. Rest in peace, Lily.